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Teacher tells students there is no Santa Claus. Soccer moms burn school, behead staff.

Woman mistakes firecracker for candle during power outage. That totally happened to Elmer Fudd…every twenty minutes.

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Chocolate factory smells too chocolatey. You’ve got your chocolate in my emissions! You’ve got your emissions in my chocolate!

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Body of Deleware woman who committed suicide by hanging mistaken for Halloween decoration.

Bob Schwartz, author of New Mexico dangerous dog bill, hospitalized after being attacked by his own dogs. Dude’s an expert.

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Inclement weather in Louisiana, Mississippi. Ya think?

Scott Peterson still tries to collect on Laci’s life insurance. I guess he’s not happy with the level of hell he’s currently headed for. Keep digging, my man, keep digging.

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Not exactly the Virgin Mary on grilled cheese.

A man who had been allowed to try a $17,000 artificial leg for a few hours never returned to the Des Moines, Iowa, store where he was fitted. Employees had worked with the man for a week to adjust the fit of the leg. Calls to the cell phone number left by the man went unanswered. That’s pretty gutsy. I’d say “give the guy a hand” but obviously he’d take one if he really needed it.

“Miraculous” Cindy Sheehan baseball auction cancelled by E-Bay. Looks like her to me.

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Orenthal the pirate. As well as murderer….allegedly.

Chimp to enter rehab for smoking addiction. Look, leave the chimp alone. Do you know how stressful living in a zoo must be?

West Virginia edges out Kentucky as most toothless state. Good job, West Virginia.

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Next?

The voices of Piglet and Tigger die within days of each other. Who did these guys owe money to?

Armed robber apprehended by beauty school. What, did they use one of those blowdryers that looks like a six-shooter?

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The second annual Goomba clam bake.

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Soccer fans are not good people.

Soccer goalie attacked with flares. How very soccer fan of you guys.

Two seriously injured in light sabre duel. Star Wars dorks will be Star Wars dorks.

Edlerly woman jailed after calling cops 20 times about pizza parlor service. Since the cops didn’t arrive within thirty minutes, her arrest was free.

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My hearse has a first name; it’s O-S-C-A-R.

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Webster gets out of a traffic ticket. How did he see over the wheel?

Former Oscar Meyer spokesman dies; funeral procession lead by Oscar Meyer Weinermobile. Don’t they have hearses in Indiana?

Actress Natasha Lyonne threatens to molest dog. Wouldn’t you if you were in Blade: Trinity?

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No deep magic for this Aslan

Russian troops kill Aslan Maskhadov in a raid in a village near Grozny. This Aslan does not return to life and defeat the White Witch.


Steve Fossett completes a 23,000-mile journey when his plane GlobalFlyer lands in Kansas. He’s the first person to make the solo nonstop journey around the world. No one cared.

Ten players, including home-run kings Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa, appear before the House Government Reform Committee to answer questions on steroid use in major league baseball. Let’s be perfectly clear on this; they have never, ever, used steroids. Period.

IDF admits denying security clearances to any enlistee who admits to playing Dungeons & Dragons. The Israelis are really going to suffer in the future when their lack of level 12 Paladins becomes accute.

Paula Abdul gets caught in the hit and run. Straight up.