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Maybe..Maybe…Maybe…No…I’m not Endorsing
[While we know that for all intents and purposes the Republican nomination is sewn up for McCain, I’m going to continue this series to highlight some of the challenges facing the GOP. Also, I’ve got a bunch of jokes I want to use up.]
Governor Commander Data
Why Not: What are Republicans thinking?
GOP Honcho A: “In 2000 the Democrats ran a freakishly robotic wonk who wanted to be President to make up for his dad’s humiliating defeat when seeking his party’s nomination, and in 2004 they ran a flip-flopper from Massachussetts with really big hair.”
GOP Honcho B: “Hey! Why don’t we combine the two into our next candidate?”
GOP Honcho A: “I like it.”
Now while AL Gore was robotic in a bad 50’s sci-fi flick kinda way (WARNING! WARNING! ATTACK IMMINENT!) Governor Data is like some sort of uber advanced cyborg kinda thing. You can’t throw water on him and expect sparks to come shooting out (I think it has something to do with the hair). This guy has the advanced myomer skin and plasteel and all that funky “ubertech” jive going on. People don’t say, “He’s so clunky and artificial.” They say, “He’s so lifelike!”
Does anyone else remember when Data talked about his dad marching with Martin Luther King, and people came out of the woodwork to say it never happened? Well, when the staff came out with that, “He was speaking metaphorically” bit, they actually overruled the explanation that Governor Data had written and wanted to release. Here is that original release:
Fellow citizen-beings:
A diagnostic scan of my memory banks has detected an anomaly concerning historical event XV-47 “Civil Rights movement”. Synaptic rectifiers are now being applied to recollection matrix. Please accept my sincerest apologies for inconvenience this may have caused.
Can someone explain to me what is supposedly so Reagan-like about Commander Data, besides the hair? Don’t give me this, “Wah wah, Ronald Reagan signed a liberal abortion law when he was governor. Wah wah, Ronald Reagan did x, y, and z. Don’t hit Data for the same things your hero did.“
Settle down, Sparky.
When Reagan made a mistake, he owned up to it. He didn’t go running for President and ten minutes later change positions on stuff like abortion. We know that Commander Data backers were so eager to claim this, but at best they were grossly exaggerating, or at worst downright lying. Someone needs to write a bugfix for Data’s veracity chip.
Everyone who used the phrase, “X needs to get out of the race, so he’ll stop stealing votes from Governor Data” had it exactly backwards.Dude was Booster in Jingle All The Way. When you get down to it, no one really liked him. I mean, he dumped tons of green into iowa and New Hampsire, and all he managed to do was prove Cindy Lauper wrong, remember that? He drops Iowa to Governor Menelaus ‘Pass the Biscuits, Pappy’ O’Daniel and New Hampshire to Senator McGrumpypants. So you’re strategy’s blown and you’re showing that you can’t seal the deal. I got it, stay in the race and make it impossible for anyone else to stop McGrumpypants. Good move.
News Flash: Those other candidates weren’t siphoning off your votes. You were siphoning off their votes. Why does no one else see this?
On the bright side, I loved every time someone mentioned he was a member of the LDS. I’d hear in my head Ray Walston shout “MORMONS!” from Paint Your Wagon.
What He Would Need To Do Make Me Consider Voting For Him Ever: During one of the debates, he’d need to start humming the Olympic theme song, having it slowly grow in volume while McGrumpypants was speaking. Then he’d have to get right in his face and start blasting it as he tries to talk, “BA BUM BA BUM BUM BUM BUM”
Prospect: And…he’s gone.
