Dr. Insano

Why Not: True story. I was giving a speech for Fred (yes, my original endorsement was for Fred Thompson) at a county Republican meeting, when the place was inundated with Ron Paul supporters. It was fabultastic! These dudes start piling in from nowhere demanding a straw poll be held.

Remember in college when you’d go staggering from apartment to apartment on a Friday night, looking for a kegger? That’s Ron Paul supporters with straw polls. About twice a week, three or four bleary-eyed dudes show up on my front porch at 2 am. “Dude, we heard there was a straw poll here.”

Anyhow, I’m at this meeting and this one Paul supporter whips out his little pocket Constitution and starts lecturing about how 9/11 was an inside job and how he’s bought his own silver coins (which he’s pulled out of his pocket) and uses them to buy things because paper money is worthless. Right at that point, the guy he’s talking to says, “Wait a sec, are you one of those people that thinks we don’t have to pay income tax because the amendment was never legally enacted or something?”

“Of course I pay income tax, I’m a proud American citizen!” Then he rolled those silver coins like Captain Queeg’s marbles. “What do you think I am, some kind of kook?”

My unintentional hilarity meter exploded; I made the guy buy me a new one. It was like seeing Bigfoot playing Canasta with the Loch Ness monster aboard the mothership of political humor; most people won’t believe it, and the rest well spend the rest of their lives trying to see something similar.

Now, even after all that, I kinda like Dr. Insano, and I find myself agreeing with quite a few of his positions. But seriously: guy, you can’t be President. Mothers should tuck their children in at night with, “And remember, in America anyone can grow up to be President.” And then when the terror wells in little Timmy’s eyes, mom should hastily add, “Anyone except for Dr. Insano.”

What He Would Need To Do Make Me Consider Voting For Him Ever: Cure cancer and rip the beating heart from the chest of a 9/11 “truther”. Simultaneously.

Prospect: Heh. Heh heh heh. No wait, heh. Ha. Hahaha. Hahahahahaa…BWAHAHAHAHA!

Senator Angry McGrumpypants

Why Not: You know, a lot of people are down on Senator McGrumpypants because he’s so…angry. Personally, I don’t mind that so much, except for one thing: He gets angry at the wrong people.

Case in point, anyone remember when those kids in New Hampshire were asking if he thought he’d die in office and stuff? What does Angry do? He goes and makes a joke, then carries on. I want Angry McGrumpypants to be angry at the right time and that was the time. Instead of joking about drafting a kid, he should have gone old man crazy on him. “Why you little pissant, I was slogging it out with the Cong before your dad was even a twinkle in your grandpa’s eye. You make me wanna reconsider my stance on abortion! You pencil neck, I’m ten thousand years old and I could still snap you like a twig across my thigh.” Then he should have taken off his belt and headed into the crowd after those kids. That’s the Angry McGrumpypants I want to see.

Who does Angry save his real bile and invective for, though? He saves it for folks who disagree with him on immigration and campaign finance reform. He also has a thing for going into court against pro-lifers.

(For those of you keeping score at home, we call those people “conservatives”.)

Finally, I know he served honorably and I am in no way diminishing anyone who has ever been a POW but…I find it a little unsettling that he could now become President after getting pwned by another country. Does anyone remember the episode of the Amazing Race where they were in Hanoi and had to find Angry McGrumpypants’ flight suit in some museum? I am incredibly uncomfortable with that symbolism. I mean, what if he’s at some big Asian conference and the head of Vietnam gets all like, “Hey, remember when you were our cabana boy back in the ’60s? Easy, easy, no need to get all tied up in knots about it. Get it! Tied up in knots!”

Yeah, I’m not really thrilled with that idea.

What He Would Need To Do Make Me Consider Voting For Him Ever: During one of the next debates, he has to look around confusedly, then bellow, “Hey you kids! GET. OFF. MY. LAWN!”

Prospect: Nelson Rockefeller is looking up at us and smiling.

Mayor Abortonio Amnestiani

Why Not: Do you know how Abortonio has done that little bit about wanting ten minutes along with OBL if we catch him alive? I’d like ten minutes alone with him for being yet another “Catholic” who happens to revel in the blood of the unborn. I’m so very tired of these guys giving us a bad name in front of the Protestants, and making us take a back seat to the Evangelicals in the social conservative hierarchy. I’m telling you, I could take him apart with my bare hands, him and that big shiny dome of his. I hit harder than the average stockbroker.

You know how in high school he “considered the priesthood”? Let me clue the non-Catholics in here, that’s code for, “I’m a huge dork and don’t want to spend four years getting stuffed into lockers. I know, I’ll pretend I have a vocation. That’ll make the guys hesitate about beating the living hell out of me during my high school career. ‘Dude, what if he does become a priest? He could like, send us to hell or somethin’.'” It is the ploy of only the most pathetic loser.

Look it up.

Amestiani went on this big law and order binge when he became mayor, busting litterers and jaywalkers, yet illegal immigrants roamed freely throughout New York. That makes perfect sense — in Bizarro world.

Finally…now seriously, do any of you really want to see wife #3 as First Lady?

When people ask me, “What do you think of the Mayor’s wife?” I reflectively answer, “Her?” Didn’t we narrowly dodge a bullet with Teresa Heinz-Kerry? Why do we want to go making the mistakes the Democrats made in the last few election cycles? Finally, have you seen him in “Anger Management”? Fred Thompson gets lines like, ” Russians don’t take a dump, son, without a plan.”. Amnestiani gets something like, “Give her a ten second tonguer?” Which movie quote do you want your president reciting?

What He Would Need To Do Make Me Consider Voting For Him Ever: He’d have to go the whole Henry the II “I’m sorry” route.

Prospect: *Glee*. I tapdance on your electoral grave, Abortonio! Thank you financial-focused Republicans who are not going to blow up the Reagan coalition by going for this guy.

This arrived in my inbox not too long ago:

1st Latin Mass offered at San Miguel Church SF, NM 2:00pm Sunday 1-6-08.

Laetare!

Although I’m no longer down there, I’ve still a keen interest in the growth of the Mass in New Mexico. There were so many people (and yes, I was one of them), that had worked so hard for this day. Congratulations to all of you! Hopefully, this will be just the start.

In the three plus years that I had lived in Santa Fe, I’d seen some pretty determined resistance to the Mass from a certain local cleric. His words on the matter were, “That Mass will never be said in Santa Fe again. Go to Albuquerque.” By the time I was leaving for Colorado, the cracks in that wall were getting clearer and clearer. I also know for a fact that a certain parish in town is considering having the Mass regularly said as well. The main issue they have is finding a willing priest. Please pray for Santa Fe.