I’m going out of order, because honestly I’m ticked with Peggy Noonan.

There’s a controversy between some Protestant chick from out in the sticks, and an Irish-Catholic city girl. Whose side do I have to take? The Protestant’s.

This galls me.

Where am I, Yorktown? The World’s Turned Upside-Down.

I’m on the extreme right, playing the bodhran.

Back on point, Peggy didn’t like Sarah Palin as McCain’s VP pick. Fine. But don’t try and play us all as fools by dressing up what you meant into something else entirely.

I came to think, in following years, that some of the reason came down to what is now called The Narrative. The story the campaign wishes to tell about itself, and communicate to others. I don’t like the idea of The Narrative. I think it is … a barnyard epithet. And, oddly enough, it is something that Republicans are not very good at, because it’s not where they live, it’s not what they’re about, it’s too fancy. To the extent the McCain campaign was thinking in these terms, I don’t like that either.

To be perfectly honest, I don’t know if this is more stupid or wrong. Does someone hold power of attorney for this woman? If not, she’s going to end up either cat lady or bag lady; it’s a coin flip. Because I can awesomely command time and space, let me manipulate the veil of reality to help me make my point.

I’m guessing that Peggy doesn’t remember the 1980 and 1984 Presidential campaigns because she was busy pondering the Big Questions, like “Why can’t I hold on to a man?” Let me recap them for her and our viewing audience.

There is a bear in the woods. Some people think the bear isn’t dangerous. I know that it wants to destroy the shining City on a Hill before Morning in America. Who do you want to handle the bear, Jimmy Carter? Carter couldn’t handle his business with a rabbit! Roll tape. . .

<NIEDERMEYER>

Ronald Reagan could handle that bear. Ronald Reagan bought a microphone.

Reagan asked everyone if they were better of now than they were four years ago. Even Jimmuh couldn’t say he was. After all, now he had rabbits stalking him. When Mr. Peanut started playing, “Look, I’m smart…look at my 1337 policy initiatives” the Reaganator waved his hand and said, “There you go again.” Then he put two fingers in front of his mouth, like rabbit’s teeth. Oh, and when he had to reapply for the job, Ronald Reagan said one sentence:

I am not going to exploit for political purposes my opponent’s youth and inexperience.

That was the 1984 campaign. That and the bear ad.

If those weren’t narrative, what the hell were they? I was seven and eleven during those campaigns and even I could see it. “Excuse me, Mr. Union Blue Collar Worker, why are you voting for Ronald Reagan.”

1980: He’s going to make America great again.
1984: He’s made America great again.

To hear some folks tell it, back then we were all pondering the implications of the Law of the Sea Treaty. and decided the Reagan policy was both more grounded and yet more flexible. That and the intricacies of supply side economics.

Bob: I say, Reggie, this Reagan chap’s supply-side theories cut right to the heart of Friedman’s work! I feel reinvigorated.
Reggie: Rather. Do pass the Pabst Blue Ribbon; there’s a good man.

And you want to tell us how campaigns should be run? For real?

What were the high points for the Republicans this past election? A plumber, a moose, and a baby with a cowlick.

What did our chattering classes advise? Spend five thousand more hours talking about earmarks to the ten people that are showing up for McCain rallies. Explain in agonizing detail every minute step in the process, again…and again…and again…and again.

On the plus side, we now know where all those people who worked on Ross Perot’s campaign went.

Those forty THOUSAND people flocking to see Sarah Palin, those people are dispensable to the future of the party.

Little known fact, John McCain’s scheduled appearance in my kitchen was canceled due to fears that he’d not be able to fill the venue. If you are on Jeopardy and Alex says, “This former POW was the 2008 Republican nominee for President” You can say, “Who is someone who has never been in Der Tommissar’s kitchen” and he will be honor-bound to accept it.

As it stacks up, if Sarah wasn’t the VP candidate, McCain probably would have lost like, Texas, Georgia, and Montana. Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!

In conclusion, Peggy, I know that growing old alone is sad and embittering but please lay off the sauce. Or in words that you’ll understand:

Whilst strolling through the dappled-haze of Bacchus’ glow provides an illusory respite of serenity, the husk of the heart ever rots in the wake of Time’s inexorable march.