Dear Mrs. Malkin,

I’m sorry I’ve not had a chance to weigh in on this whole Catholic Church — Illegal Immigration controversy, but I’m sure you know of my strict “do not comment on a topic until everyone else in the blogosphere has already beaten it to death” policy.

Now I know you’re trying to convince folks that you meant no disrespect to the Pope, or the Church, but I have to ask something:

Does keeping trackbacks like the following help out your defense?

Pope Schmope and the illegal alien agenda

Is anyone surprised that the Vatican is mounting an organized campaign to destroy American sovereignty?

So with the Pope waging guerrilla warfare against us, why the fat has he been celebrated here in the USA? I think tha [sic] we, with a strong will, should resist all our enemies with all our resources.

Read more about this evil, diabolical plot HERE.

On a side note, somebody call Will Smith. I think I could beat Bruce Tyson.

But you know, you might want to cull the cranks from your trackbacks if you don’t want to be hit with charges of being a safe haven for vile anti-Catholic bigots.
Anyhow, I just wanted to mention who things are going out in Colorado; May is a busy, busy time here. As you know, we’re now starting to get our own wave of Hispanic immigrants to fill our churches here. With those, of course, we’re getting quite a number of new births and baptisms. Why, in just the past three weeks, we’ve had 175 boys baptised in the Archdiocese of Denver. I’m sure you know what that means for me as a Knight of Columbus.
That’s right, it’s rifle-burying time at the Donegal Express.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “How can burying a few dozen rifles take up so much time?” What you have to understand is, it’s more than just burying the rifles. You gotta strip and oil the individual parts of the rifle before burying it. Do you know how many firearms were unusable when we got them out after Alf Landon lost? The Vatican was ticked when we couldn’t follow up on their orders to overthrow the US Government back then. Needless to say, proper maintenance is a big watchword.

Secondly, there’s all sorts of permits you need to get nowadays to do even the smallest renovations. Now, since we’ve bred enough drones to take over a bunch of local government offices, you’d think we’d be able to get our paperwork waved through. Unfortunately, that’s where our whole, “keep ‘em ignorant and unable to exercise even the most basic intelligence” really comes back to bite us.

Finally, back in the good old days we kept our basements with dirt floors, since every penny had to go towards more and more ornate monstrances and pricey vestments for the clergy. That made it quick to drop off a quick cache. The old timers tell me they used to be able to pop in a good forty rifles in about the time it took to cook four or five Protestant babies for lunch. Nowadays, these fancy tile and and wood floors add hours to our rifle burying.

Oh well, just thought I’d keep in touch.

Your Pal,

Der Tommissar

PS. Don’t worry, I’m reasonably certain you won’t be put against the wall once we make our move.

Reasonably certain.