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Body of Deleware woman who committed suicide by hanging mistaken for Halloween decoration.

Bob Schwartz, author of New Mexico dangerous dog bill, hospitalized after being attacked by his own dogs. Dude’s an expert.

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Inclement weather in Louisiana, Mississippi. Ya think?

Scott Peterson still tries to collect on Laci’s life insurance. I guess he’s not happy with the level of hell he’s currently headed for. Keep digging, my man, keep digging.

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Not exactly the Virgin Mary on grilled cheese.

A man who had been allowed to try a $17,000 artificial leg for a few hours never returned to the Des Moines, Iowa, store where he was fitted. Employees had worked with the man for a week to adjust the fit of the leg. Calls to the cell phone number left by the man went unanswered. That’s pretty gutsy. I’d say “give the guy a hand” but obviously he’d take one if he really needed it.

“Miraculous” Cindy Sheehan baseball auction cancelled by E-Bay. Looks like her to me.

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Orenthal the pirate. As well as murderer….allegedly.

Chimp to enter rehab for smoking addiction. Look, leave the chimp alone. Do you know how stressful living in a zoo must be?

West Virginia edges out Kentucky as most toothless state. Good job, West Virginia.

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Next?

The voices of Piglet and Tigger die within days of each other. Who did these guys owe money to?

Armed robber apprehended by beauty school. What, did they use one of those blowdryers that looks like a six-shooter?

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The second annual Goomba clam bake.

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Soccer fans are not good people.

Soccer goalie attacked with flares. How very soccer fan of you guys.

Two seriously injured in light sabre duel. Star Wars dorks will be Star Wars dorks.

Edlerly woman jailed after calling cops 20 times about pizza parlor service. Since the cops didn’t arrive within thirty minutes, her arrest was free.

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My hearse has a first name; it’s O-S-C-A-R.

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Webster gets out of a traffic ticket. How did he see over the wheel?

Former Oscar Meyer spokesman dies; funeral procession lead by Oscar Meyer Weinermobile. Don’t they have hearses in Indiana?

Actress Natasha Lyonne threatens to molest dog. Wouldn’t you if you were in Blade: Trinity?

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No deep magic for this Aslan

Russian troops kill Aslan Maskhadov in a raid in a village near Grozny. This Aslan does not return to life and defeat the White Witch.


Steve Fossett completes a 23,000-mile journey when his plane GlobalFlyer lands in Kansas. He’s the first person to make the solo nonstop journey around the world. No one cared.

Ten players, including home-run kings Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa, appear before the House Government Reform Committee to answer questions on steroid use in major league baseball. Let’s be perfectly clear on this; they have never, ever, used steroids. Period.

IDF admits denying security clearances to any enlistee who admits to playing Dungeons & Dragons. The Israelis are really going to suffer in the future when their lack of level 12 Paladins becomes accute.

Paula Abdul gets caught in the hit and run. Straight up.

Hi all,

For those who don’t know, Hilary White has been going through a bit of a rough patch. If you have the time, keep her in your prayers.

I’m asking this for purely selfish reasons, mind you.

You see, I want Hilary to go on and lead a life of exceptional and heroic virtue. Then, decades from now when they make Hilary a saint, I want to be the really old man that knew the saint. You know, like Ricardo Montalban in the movie about Our Lady of Fatima. I’d get to be hanging out with like a cane and a floppy hat, which would be cool.

Then some priest would come by and show me the new holy card of St. Hilary of the Igloos, or Moose Jaw or wherever, and he’d be all like, “Tommissar!” Then he’d lean closer to my good ear, “Tommissar! Isn’t it wonderful? How serene she is, with her gaze leading up to heaven.”

Then I’d say, “Young man,” *wheeze* “I wouldn’t expect you to know, but she’s really rolling her eyes at us in the picture. It’s the only proper way for her to be depicted.”

So as you can see, I’ve got a lot riding on this.

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Put me on a breeze to Katmandu

Nepalese King Fires Government; declares a state of emergency. King Gyanendra charged the government made no progress toward elections and had not pursued peace with Maoist rebels. King also upset that Nepal only had a tiny little scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Donald Trump took notes. “He fired a whole government. Dude’s pretty hardcore.” Opined the Donald.

North Korea admits to having Nuclear Weapons, won’t disarm. You mean they were lying to us? Say it ain’t so!

Counting Complete in Iraqi Elections (Feb. 13): Alliance of Shiites, United Iraqi Alliance, wins 48% of the vote, giving it 140 out of 275 seats in the National Assembly. Alliance of Kurds takes 75 seats, while group headed by Prime Minister Ayad Allawi wins 40 seats. Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf Party failed to capture any seats; vows members of other parties will have their stomachs roast in hell.

British sailor Ellen MacArthur completes a solo circumnavigation in 71 days, 14 hours, 18 minutes, and 33 seconds. No one cared.

The NHL season was cancelled. Nick W. sat shiva. Mullets flew at half-mast throughout Canada.

Authorities shot and killed a 600 pound tiger Wednesday near the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library. Wade Boggs was unavailable for comment. According to reports, the tiger was just “trying to impress Jodie Foster”.

The first South African yacht to challenge for the America’s Cup hit a whale. Oops.

Mike Greenwell wants Jose Canseco to give him the 1988 AL MVP Award since Canseco admitted to using steroids. That’ll happen.

R2-DUI. Actor Kenny Baker, who played R2-D2 in the Star Wars series, was charged with drunk driving. He denied the charges and claimed tests would prove him sober. I guess the Force wasn’t with him enough to keep from being pulled over. Did he tell the cops, “I’m not the droid you’re looking for.