Honestly, this man is God’s gift to blogging. But you know, not in the good way:

Here he is talking about people who want President Obama (PBUH) to be uninvited to Notre Dame.

Many Catholics, including this one, find it hard to reconcile this approach with the image of Christ in Matthew’s Gospel never turning away even “sinners and tax collectors,” though no one could blame Obama Cabinet officials for steering clear of tax collectors. Jesus’ method was one of inclusion, teaching with generosity, forgiveness and truth — not snubbing those in high office.

In case you attend Professor Kmiec’s Bible Study and wouldn’t know any better, this is in the Gospel According to Matthew. 21:12 in fact.

And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the money changers, and the chairs of them that sold doves:

Indiana Jones would be staring at this guy in disbelief, going, “Didn’t you go to Sunday School?”

To put it briefly: I got hacked.

Now, before we go all tinfoil-hat, there’s a known issue with my version of Wordpress and some roving robot found me and hit me up with some malicious code that would inject spam-links into my footer (that’s at the bottom of the page. Clever, huh?).

Anyhow, due to my awesome design, the code was foiled; there are no spam links at the bottom of my page. Sadly, it managed to screw up my internal links. I’m trying to dig all of the bad code out and then upgrade wordpress.

I feel bad for Meghan McCain. It’s part of my larger thing of feeling bad for anyone who’s dating nowadays.

One extreme fan of my mother’s recently told me I could be “his Cindy.” And then asked me if I ever wore pearls because they probably would look as good on me as they do on my mother. No, I’m not kidding. Any guy that has a fetish for older women in pantsuits and large pearls obviously only finds my last name attractive about me.

Let me give you some advice, ok?

You’re perfectly justified to find this sort of stuff to be a bit creepy; it really is poor form. On the other hand, your mom is pretty hot for her age, and she’s into cars. So, you know, try to look on the bright side.

Another thing you might want to consider: there are even creepier things you can hear on a date. Let me list a few for you:

3. Everyone gets blindfolded the first time they come here.
2. It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it’s told.

(If we’re going with Silence of the Lambs lines, if someone ever quotes Multiple Miggs to you immediately remain in a public location until the authorities arrive).

1. You know, I’ve got this brunette wig and these librarian glasses that would look great on you!

I’m so glad that the Charles Lennon [(219) 631-6000]from Notre Dame’s alumni association has sent out an email clearing up this whole inviting the President to give the commencement speech, and get that honorary degree. I swear to Obama, people, you’re all getting your panties in a bunch over nothing. Read on:

The University does not support President Obama’s positions on specific issues regarding the protection of human life, including abortion and embryonic stem cell research. Notre Dame’s positions on these issues are firm and unwavering. The invitation to the President to be the Commencement speaker shouldn’t be taken as condoning or endorsing his positions that contradict the teachings of the Catholic Church.

That’s right! Notre Dame isn’t endorsing President Obama; they’re feting and honoring him. Got that? Feting and honoring. We’re not saying it’s a good thing to support flushing babies down the toilet in the name of expediency. We’re just saying that if you climb over mounds of dead unborn to satisfy your ambitions, we’ll be there with a bouquet of flowers in the Winner’s Circle.

I wish you people would learn to draw distinctions! Then again, you all probably went to a state school, or Boston College.

I still can’t believe I used the word “feting”. I mean, what’s next, “Rue the day”? Who talks like that?

To quote Father Lonergan, “What did you expect?” They’re running their offense right out of the Catholics for Obama playbook. To play Devil’s advocate, their only other option was to use Charlie Weis’ playbook. I think it’s pretty obvious which one is more successful.

You see, in order to carry water for the Obama Campaign (Change We Can Believe In), Catholics for Obama (Belief We Can Change On) had to come up with some new and innovative ways to get past their BFF’s extreme abortion positions.

I’m sorry, that was the crack talking. They went out and rehashed every lame argument they’ve used for the last thirty years to support the left. You know the whole, “Well look, we agree that that shoving a pair of scissors into the base of an infant’s skull is poor form, but you’re overlooking this guy’s willingness to spend more on health care! This is much more important, because, you know, Social Justice.”

So the whole killing babies thing is bad, but since he’s going to put more money into paying doctors to kill babies, that’s good? Got it. There, I just distilled Doug Kmiec for everyone.

Now look, I know people are going on the war path with Notre Dame. I know alumni are talking about not donating and stuff too. I don’t want anyone to think I support such a thing; in fact I’m going to ask all of you to donate to ND.

My thirty silver dollars will be in the mail soon. I encourage all of you to do the same.

It may have been intimated that the whole three part thing I was planning would be up quickly. Well, so much for that. The big hold up was in getting some exclusive video edited and prepped for the blog. I’ve come to the conclusion that what I need is a media intern. If you’re studying graphic or media arts or whatever they call it and you need some credits, drop me a line. I’ll hit up your school to have you intern for me. We’ll go into the specifics later.

So today we’re going to look at Kathleen Parker, a top conservative columnist (if by “top conservative columnist” you mean “the eighth person you click on when you head to the townhall.com columnists section”).

Anyhow, I’ve finally gotten everything squared away; I’m proud to announce this exclusive video of Kathleen Parker preparing to write another column:

I never knew she had such a nice office.

Now before anyone starts harping on the obvious text here, (LOL, you said Kathleen Parker does drugs!) I want you to look at the subtext of this as well. This is a metaphor that is running on many levels.

I think a few of you have clued in on the fact that I have a thing for movies. For those of you that haven’t seen Scarface, Tony Montana is preparing to go out in a blaze of glory; a rival has sent dozens of assassins to storm his palatial home. Tony cokes up, then heads out to meet his fate in a blaze of glory. I kinda think that Kathleen Parker would see some parallels to her situation. She’s making some sort of doomed stand, going out in some fiery defiant stand. “Say ‘ello to my leetle column!” Blam! And then the swarms of cock-a-roaches (conservative bloggers) come streaming at her from every direction. She even says as much in one of her columns, when she goes on about putting on a blindfold and whatnot.

Also, I think Kathleen Parker’s been doing a lot of drugs before writing some of her columns.

Case in point, one of my favorite moments of paranoid dementia came up after Christopher Buckley’s defection during the last election:

What does it mean that the right cannot politely entertain dissenting opinions within its ranks?

It’s like I said in the last post, these folks are either dishonest or demented. Hmm, why can’t we politely entertain dissenting positions? I dunnot, maybe because WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN UPHILL BATTLE IN THIS PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION AND YOU’VE ALL MADE IT HARDER ON US. Maybe the fact that people went out and gave what money they could spare and spent hours banging on doors for John McCain and do their part only to come home and see the so called “leading lights” blithely sell our hard work down the river could cause them to get a tad miffed.

Oh, and what part of polite has she been in her little missives? I never knew the rules were I can scatter my feces like a rabid monkey whenever I like, but if you get mad at me you have issues. Hmm, I see what she did there!

That’s pretty clever, when it comes from my seven year old. From someone making money on my goodwill? Not so much.

These are the same people that get upset when the hoi polloi start casting aspersions on various Republican candidates. Party Unity! However, anything you want to say about the rank and file is totally fair game. What kind of screwed up world do you live in when commenting in a negative way about public figures is poor form but bashing thousands of average folks is brave and noble? Oh yeah, the world in which Kathleen Parker moves.

Some have opined, ridiculously, that Buckley — son of the famous William F. Buckley (WFB) — was merely seeking attention. Christo, as family and friends call him, has written more than a dozen acclaimed books, one of which, Thank You for Smoking, became a movie. In 2004, he won the Thurber Prize for American Humor for No Way to Treat a First Lady. For 18 years he edited a magazine, Forbes Life, and otherwise seems to be doing all right.

Other critics have surmised that Buckley’s “betrayal” was a publicity stunt for his newest novel, Supreme Courtship (which I reviewed for National Review). When you’re as funny and write as well as Buckley, you don’t have to resort to stunts. You are the stunt.

Well, I guess taking credit for Thank You For Smoking does show some form of integrity; I’ll grant you that. I’ll also grant that “Christo” is the stunt.

In fact, here’s one of his latest stunts, involving his “sainted” father.

But Christopher says his memoir exposes some flaws. “This book is going to land hard in some quarters . . . It’s a book about two very complex people. They were not your typical mom and dad.

If you’re an author, writing a tell-all book (especially about your famous parents) is like the literary form of reality TV. It’s not even classy reality TV like “Amazing Race”‘’; nope, you’ve drifted into “The Surreal World” territory with that one.

My question for Kathleen is, “After defending this guy and dismissing the possibility that his actions were some sort of grimy publicity whoring, how stupid do you feel? I mean, on a scale from one to Alec Baldwin?” Admit it, you’ve been dishonest or delusional here.

A blueblood writer who let’s admit it, had a bunch of doors opened for him with the Buckley name, well there’s an American success story. Some small town girl who through hard work and dedication became governor of her state even though she had no money or name recognition? Let’s see:

With the exception of Miss Alaska, of course.

Even Sarah Palin has blamed Bush policies for the GOP loss. She’s not entirely wrong, but she’s also part of the problem. Her recent conjecture about whether to run for president in 2012 (does anyone really doubt she will?) speaks for itself:

“I’m like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I’m like, don’t let me miss the open door. Show me where the open door is. … And if there is an open door in (20)12 or four years later, and if it’s something that is going to be good for my family, for my state, for my nation, an opportunity for me, then I’ll plow through that door.”

Let’s do pray that God shows Alaska’s governor the door.

Translation: And then she stepped on the bawwlllllll!

Now let’s all sit around and wonder, “Why can’t we draw those Reagan Democrats in places like Pennsylvania, Ohio, Michigan, and Wisconsin?”

To anyone still patiently waiting for this three part series on who needs to be punished . . .you’re awesome. Loopy, but awesome. That is slowing working its way through.

Before that, I wanted to just drop a quick bomb. You know, I really can’t stand when most Republicans talk about the economy, or economics, or “working people”; honestly, their only saving grace is that they’re not Democrats. If I have to choose between a headache and a kick in the groin, I’m going with the headache. I swear to Obama though; some days it can be pretty trying.

What’s got me so upset? John Hinderaker:

Wells Fargo didn’t want any TARP money, but the government forced it to take more than $5 billion worth, so Wells Fargo employees who receive bonuses would be subject to Pelosi’s proposed tax. Say you’re a teller at a Wells Fargo branch in Minnesota and you’re married to a lawyer who makes $250,000 this year. You get a $10,000 bonus for your good work during 2008. The government steals it all (90 percent federal plus 8.5 percent state plus, unless it’s included in the 90 percent, 3 percent Medicare). That is simply insane.

Who sees the problem? Wait for it. . .

Anyone who puts up “teller” and “$10,000 bonus” had sure as hell better be referring to himself when he says, “That is simply insane”. Go to the back of the internet!

A bank teller with years of experience (if lucky) is pulling in like $25k, tops. A teller’s bonus tops out at just over $500. The only thing better here would have been if John had thrown in, “This just shows how out of touch the Democrats are with working Americans”. That would have been awesome.

As Obama is my witness, some days I wonder if Casey Stengel was referring to Republicans when he said, “Can’t anybody here play this game?

I’m going out of order, because honestly I’m ticked with Peggy Noonan.

There’s a controversy between some Protestant chick from out in the sticks, and an Irish-Catholic city girl. Whose side do I have to take? The Protestant’s.

This galls me.

Where am I, Yorktown? The World’s Turned Upside-Down.

I’m on the extreme right, playing the bodhran.

Back on point, Peggy didn’t like Sarah Palin as McCain’s VP pick. Fine. But don’t try and play us all as fools by dressing up what you meant into something else entirely.

I came to think, in following years, that some of the reason came down to what is now called The Narrative. The story the campaign wishes to tell about itself, and communicate to others. I don’t like the idea of The Narrative. I think it is … a barnyard epithet. And, oddly enough, it is something that Republicans are not very good at, because it’s not where they live, it’s not what they’re about, it’s too fancy. To the extent the McCain campaign was thinking in these terms, I don’t like that either.

To be perfectly honest, I don’t know if this is more stupid or wrong. Does someone hold power of attorney for this woman? If not, she’s going to end up either cat lady or bag lady; it’s a coin flip. Because I can awesomely command time and space, let me manipulate the veil of reality to help me make my point.

I’m guessing that Peggy doesn’t remember the 1980 and 1984 Presidential campaigns because she was busy pondering the Big Questions, like “Why can’t I hold on to a man?” Let me recap them for her and our viewing audience.

There is a bear in the woods. Some people think the bear isn’t dangerous. I know that it wants to destroy the shining City on a Hill before Morning in America. Who do you want to handle the bear, Jimmy Carter? Carter couldn’t handle his business with a rabbit! Roll tape. . .

<NIEDERMEYER>

Ronald Reagan could handle that bear. Ronald Reagan bought a microphone.

Reagan asked everyone if they were better of now than they were four years ago. Even Jimmuh couldn’t say he was. After all, now he had rabbits stalking him. When Mr. Peanut started playing, “Look, I’m smart…look at my 1337 policy initiatives” the Reaganator waved his hand and said, “There you go again.” Then he put two fingers in front of his mouth, like rabbit’s teeth. Oh, and when he had to reapply for the job, Ronald Reagan said one sentence:

I am not going to exploit for political purposes my opponent’s youth and inexperience.

That was the 1984 campaign. That and the bear ad.

If those weren’t narrative, what the hell were they? I was seven and eleven during those campaigns and even I could see it. “Excuse me, Mr. Union Blue Collar Worker, why are you voting for Ronald Reagan.”

1980: He’s going to make America great again.
1984: He’s made America great again.

To hear some folks tell it, back then we were all pondering the implications of the Law of the Sea Treaty. and decided the Reagan policy was both more grounded and yet more flexible. That and the intricacies of supply side economics.

Bob: I say, Reggie, this Reagan chap’s supply-side theories cut right to the heart of Friedman’s work! I feel reinvigorated.
Reggie: Rather. Do pass the Pabst Blue Ribbon; there’s a good man.

And you want to tell us how campaigns should be run? For real?

What were the high points for the Republicans this past election? A plumber, a moose, and a baby with a cowlick.

What did our chattering classes advise? Spend five thousand more hours talking about earmarks to the ten people that are showing up for McCain rallies. Explain in agonizing detail every minute step in the process, again…and again…and again…and again.

On the plus side, we now know where all those people who worked on Ross Perot’s campaign went.

Those forty THOUSAND people flocking to see Sarah Palin, those people are dispensable to the future of the party.

Little known fact, John McCain’s scheduled appearance in my kitchen was canceled due to fears that he’d not be able to fill the venue. If you are on Jeopardy and Alex says, “This former POW was the 2008 Republican nominee for President” You can say, “Who is someone who has never been in Der Tommissar’s kitchen” and he will be honor-bound to accept it.

As it stacks up, if Sarah wasn’t the VP candidate, McCain probably would have lost like, Texas, Georgia, and Montana. Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!

In conclusion, Peggy, I know that growing old alone is sad and embittering but please lay off the sauce. Or in words that you’ll understand:

Whilst strolling through the dappled-haze of Bacchus’ glow provides an illusory respite of serenity, the husk of the heart ever rots in the wake of Time’s inexorable march.

Is it safe to come out yet?

I’d like to make sure there’s been a big enough gap in my postings to prevent people from mistaking me for a “conservative commentator”. I mean, honestly, would you want to be associated with any of these clowns?

I mean, I’m just some guy who writes about his college days, and cat blogs and stuff. Oh, and there’s haiku thrown in too.

Sometimes.

What do you think? Do I have a chance? Will anyone buy it?

Darn.

Since no one is going to fall for that, I’m going to repeat an old, boring saw. For years, conservatives have said, “When a RINO runs against a Democrat, the voters will choose the genuine article.” I know that’s true but I never would have imagined that our own chattering classes would go out of their way to prove it.

Before this election cycle was even over, war broke out in the Republican party. Now war….war never changes (as we’ve all learned from the Fallout Series) but I digress. The first thing as conservatives we should know about this war is simple. We should be very, very happy it’s here.

It’s on like Donkey Kong.

It’s Go Time.

*cracks neck* Feelin’ crazy.

The second awesome thing about this war is that it was declared on us by some of the most unsympathetic, disliked, and pusillanimous individuals to ever believe they matter in real life on planet Earth. I’m talking, of course, about media columnists.

Thirdly, this is awesome because we finally get to punish our enemies. This is not just a perk, it’s a moral imperative. Beyond that, it’s necessary to the future success and advancement to our party. Don’t let anyone fool you, especially liberals, who are going to go out of their way to be “helpful”. “You guys need to jettison everything that conservatives vote for and replace them with our beliefs. Then you’ll be successful. You know, just like Reagan did.”

Now, we may all argue what is Reaganism, or who is most like Reagan and stuff, but we can’t argue that being like Reagan means running like a cross between Al Sharpton and Charlie Schumer. Therefore, we’ve got to nip all this crazy liberal talk right now. And, we’ve got to go after the folks that are pushing it and make visible public examples of all of them.

Let’s return to the thrilling days of yesteryear, in specific, 2004. Do you remember back then? George Bush beat back John Kerry in a close election due to the extraordinary efforts of free marketeers and hedge fund managers.

Oh wait, that’s totally not what happened. Evangelicals, fundamentalists, and conservative Catholics came out of the woodwork to do all the heavy lifting in that election and carry the President on their shoulders to the finish line. You could say he was our cross to bear. In contrast, I think three people in DC were adamantly in favor of say, NAFTA, and stuffed envelopes for the RNC for five minutes on a Wednesday in September. Oh, by the way, this illustrates a larger point. You can’t kick social conservatives out of the Republican Party because we own the Republican party. We own it lock, stock, and barrel. We do the grassroots work and we give the majority of the money. Now go fetch me a Vanilla Coke Zero.

Ok, so we remember what we did then. Does everyone remember what the Democrats did? They took Howard Dean, stark barking mad Howard “YEEEAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHH” Dean, and said, “Hey, run our party you total leftist loon.” Then we all laughed because Howard Dean said he was going to fight in all fifty states and close the “God talk gap”.

Obviously, this man was an idiot. He thought the Democrats could compete in Georgia? Indiana? North Carolina? He thought that getting people fuzzy about which party respected religious faith and deeply held belief would help his side out? If there’s anything I’ve learned from our elite conservative talking heads, it’s that this the absolute stupidest way to…hang on, gotta check my email.

from Howard Dean <drdoom @gmail.com>
to All Republicans <gop @gmail.com>
date Fri, Nov 28, 2008 at 4:02 AM
subject The election:
mailed-by gmail.com

HA HA HA, U R LOOSERS

– HD, MD.

Ouch.

Getting back on tangent, if we can’t settle up with a bunch of creative-writing types by lunch time Sunday, we should all feel shame. Riddle me this, how are we going to win Congress and the Presidency back from the Democrats (who have been bringing their A game) if we can’t fix Doug Kmiec’s little red wagon? And in theory, if we can’t settle his hash we deserve to have our 14 year old daughters forced into mandatory explicit sex-ed classes in which they are required to demonstrate “practical knowledge” with fifteen random guys from the local phone book. The final exam will require she be then escorted to a Planned Parenthood abortuary by a gay-married couple who hum show tunes and tap dance over the charred remains of an American flag. Seriously, we will have earned that if we don’t clean house right. this. second.

In the next bit we’ll be settling some scores. First up is going to be Kathleen “I was sure I had that Obama Press Secretary gig wrapped up!” Parker. Then I’ll hit you with some knowledge on Doug Kmiec, Rod Dreher and the Buckley clan. We’ll finish off with Peggy Noonan. See you soon.

Small confession: from time to time I indulge in vanity searches. Imagine my surprise to find myself quoted in a book.

Now, I’m not just quoted in a book; I’m quoted in a political book written by Steve Laffey. Yes, /that/ Steve Laffey, the one who ran against Lincoln Chafee back in 2006.

There it is, right on page 18:

And Der Tommissar put it best when he wrote: “I have no idea why everyone is so upset. Lincoln Chaffee is the greatest Republican since Jim Jeffords! Oh. Oops.”

The most impressive part, in my mind, is found by reading through the entire paragraph. Steve prefaces every other guy with a bit of a description. “An anonymous Republican known to the blogosphere known as Bradmaui.” “A Providence, Rhode Island, resident named Ballottra”. When he gets to me, it’s just “Der Tommissar” because seriously, he knows that no introduction is necessary.

It’s kinda like reading a poetry anthology and seeing, “A British Romantic poet from Devonshire….a lyricist noted for his plays…” and then “and Yeats”.

That makes me Yeats, for those at home keeping score.

Here’s the scary thing. I found this because Steve’s book is in google books and this passage happens to be on a page that is indexed. Think on that. Given the low percentage of books and the few pages listed in Google books, I could actually be quoted in tens of thousands of books. Heck, someone out there might have devoted a chapter to me.

Who knows?

On the other hand, this is just one of my many accomplishments:

Now, most people are thinking, “Gee Tommissar, you must be thrilled when you read this over.” Incorrect.

And then I wept, for I had no more worlds to conquer.

Ladies and gentlemen, TJ Simers:

You spend any time in this dingy city and around these folks, and pit bulls running wild come to mind.

Fine when leashed, but set them free, put a beer in their grubby paws and it’s only a matter of time before they’re going to go on the attack — both the home team and its opponent feeling the bite.

It’s an angry place, all right, everything old here in Philadelphia, crumbling and in ruin. Even the city’s main attraction has a crack in it.

So the prevailing opinion around here is you have to be an obstinate pug to make it in Philly, the football team tough, the hockey team a bunch of bullies and the Phillies rugged competitors like Larry Bowa.

For no reason that I can fathom, a line from that great move “Slapshot” comes to mind:

Reggie Dunlop: I am personally placing a hundred-dollar bounty on the head of TJ Simers. He’s the head dork and chief punk on that Los Angeles team.
Jim Carr: A bounty?
Reggie Dunlop: Yeah, a hundred bucks of my own money for the first of my guys who really nails that creep.